new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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