I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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