We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
