I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i out mim tonsoeep
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