I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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