I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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