Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just pynch a tree in the face
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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