I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
