After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
accomplished twins. life is a go
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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