someone threw a dead crab at me
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
We left the knife in your bed.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize