If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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