i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Randomize
