I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
