I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
