hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
