im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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