You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
