NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
