i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
