I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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