I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I deserve to be covered in dicks
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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