Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
