Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I am midnight drunk by noon
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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