My first STD was from a foam party
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
