dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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