You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
