Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
