i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
