i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
