I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
