Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
