u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
This toilet bowl is my home.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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