All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
