Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
