mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize