Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Walk of Shame today included voting.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
