I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
