i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
