im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
