oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
