saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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