I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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