I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
