My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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