he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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