I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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