I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
