i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize