What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
