last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
