You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
