he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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