You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
