Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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