May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
