she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
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