Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
