I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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