I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize