I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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