You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
