made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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