Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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