Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
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