So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
